The Pluralism Project at Harvard University
Ms. Mary Lahaj
Simmons College, Boston, MA
The Wedding Planners: A Case Study of Emergent Islamic Social Life in America
The Wedding Planners: A Case Study of Emergent Islamic Social Life in America
INTRODUCTION
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The Bride and Groom. Taken at the extended family dinner (7/20/02). |
This case study records the planning for the marriage of Ben and Aminah, two young American born Muslims. Their two families collaborated for one year to create a wedding plan that combined American customs and Islamic traditions in a unique way.
Although American families have been designing their weddings for generations, Ben and Aminah's wedding makes an unusual case study for three reasons.
First, the wedding plan is unique because it takes place in three parts: part one, the nekaah; part two, the extended family dinner, and part three, the walima. The main focus of the study is to examine each part of the wedding for its traditional, social, religious, and cultural characteristics and to report the details from the point of the view of each planner.
Second, because the wedding planners as a group had social, religious, racial, class, and ethnic differences, this study attempts to understand what happens when cultures or values clash and how religious convictions or practices change (or don't change), as a result. At one point in the planning, they reached an impasse when social/cultural expectations and religious aspirations came into direct conflict. This study examines the nature of that impasse and the solution the wedding planners arrived at to break the impasse.
Third, since every religion is the reflection of a society and therefore does not remain stagnant, this study pays close attention to the changes, social and religious, that Islam is undergoing in America. The challenge for any religious minority in a majority society is to maintain its religious identity throughout the process of social integration. This study seeks to identify particular conforming (social) and distinguishing (religious) activities represented in Ben and Aminah's wedding that underscore the social integration of Islam (1).
METHODOLOGY FOR RESEARCH
When I began my research in July 2002, several weeks before the wedding, the wedding planners had been working for one year on the plan. All that was left to be done was to implement it. My research continued throughout August and September 2002, focusing on the significant characters (the wedding planners) and asking them to describe their experiences to me. They are referred to in the study by the following terms: the bride (Aminah) and groom (Ben), the bride's mother and father, and the groom's mother and father. Each planner was interviewed once before and once after the wedding. Most interviews were conducted over the phone or in person and most were tape-recorded for accuracy. For reasons of confidentiality, no transcripts of the tapes were made.
I used a combination of research methods in this study, incorporating interviews and observations. As an observing participant, I attended the third part of the wedding (the women's walima), while a male colleague attended the men's walima and reported his observations. Because I was not present at the other two parts of the wedding, I had to rely on the testimony of the wedding planners for details. I conducted two taped telephone interviews with two non-Muslim guests after the walima. I also interviewed two Religious leaders from two different communities.
With the advantage of being an American Muslim, known in three Muslim communities, and friend to both families, I had to struggle to keep from broadening the case study into ethnography. It was challenging for me to limit the amount of data I collected. I was curious to probe into the wedding planners' methods of accomplishing plans, communicating frustrations, making decisions, and reasoning to understand their situation.
Another challenge was to achieve empathic neutrality in the dual role as trusted friend and researcher. In this capacity, I had to re-establish trust with the wedding planners over the course of the study. I felt constant tension between the importance of my personal relationships and my obligation to report what I observed without initiating conflict between the two families, evading the truth, intertwining my own religious and cultural bias, attempting to answer questions, predicting future behaviors, or otherwise compromising the research.
Consequently, I decided to present the research from the phenomenological point of view and let each person give his/her own account of the experience. At times, I had to temper my reporting of their expressed frustrations so that this would not overshadow the positive significance of their experiences. In my dual role as friend and researcher, I understood that the two families were committed to starting off on the right foot together despite any temporary disagreements.
The last challenge I faced was not being able to take photographs without first asking permission at the wedding. Since some Muslims prefer not to have their picture taken, my colleague and I respected their wishes. The pictures that appear on this website have been approved by the two families (See Wedding Photo Album).
In my references, I include a list of books, a set of audiotapes I purchased, and websites used to define Islamic traditions, concepts, and global customs. A glossary of Islamic terminology is also provided. The Islamic terms used in the study are in italics for easy reference.
Finally, I included an anecdotal case. I wanted to put Ben and Aminah's wedding into a context that would invite the reader to make connections between the elements of this study and their own experiences. So, I asked friends to tell me about the weddings they had been to recently. I selected one wedding story that I cite briefly at the end of the study.
PROFILES OF THE WEDDING PLANNERS
Who is the Bride? The bride is a twenty-year-old American-born Muslim of African American, European, and American Indian heritage. In this study, she is the only Muslim among the wedding planners who was born into a Muslim family. At this writing, she has completed one year of college with plans to continue after her marriage. Prior to her acceptance at college, the bride was home-schooled.
The bride and her family socialized in a network of several Muslim communities within a radius of fifty miles. She said that her family did not restrict themselves to worship or study at just one mosque.
Who is the Groom? The groom is a twenty-year-old American of Jewish, Irish, and English descent. He currently attends an Ivy League college. As a boy in the third grade, he was enrolled in a Hebrew school at a Reform congregational temple but dropped out voluntarily before his bar mitzvah at age eleven when he was beginning to struggle with depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and Tourette syndrome.
When he was twelve years old, a friend handed him an article in The Sporting News on Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, his favorite professional basketball player. He was a big fan of Mahmoud's because of his success in the NBA, despite the fact that he himself was afflicted with depression, OCD, and Tourette syndrome. The main focus of the article was Mahmoud's conversion to Islam. Mahmoud spoke eloquently about Islam and his immense feeling of inner peace, so powerful that he had actually noticed a decrease in his symptoms of depression, OCD, and Tourette syndrome. His story sparked Ben's interest in Islam and at the age of twelve, he proclaimed that he was a Muslim.
He first met the bride at age sixteen at an Islamic summer camp where he worked as a counselor. Their email correspondence began when he was eighteen and she was seventeen and it was clear that they were attracted to each other. The groom stated that he felt sure he had met the right person and had the moral and financial support of his family, as did the bride. After one year and after praying on their decision (Istikhara), they agreed to get married one year later.
Who is the Bride's Father? The bride's father grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. He is of Cherokee Indian, Dutch, and African American heritage. As a young artist, he fully experienced the cultural upheavals of the 60s and was also involved in the Civil Rights movement. He converted to Islam in the late 60s and married a Muslim convert on 1976. He currently teaches art at Islamic schools in the Boston area and is the Boston Director (amir) of a group known internationally as the Tablighi jamat.
Who is the Groom's Father? The groom's father is a Jewish man brought up in New York attending a Reform temple. His grandparents came to this country in the 1800's from Germany and Eastern Europe. He met his wife when they were living in a commune and married "rather late in life. " He described his own wedding as being "Hippie Jewish." He is currently self-employed as a marketing consultant to multi-media production companies.
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The Bride's Mother. Taken at the women's walima (7/21/02). |
Who is the Bride's Mother? The bride's mother grew up in New York. She is of African American, German, and American Indian heritage. In 1974, when she was nineteen, she converted to Islam. Two years later she married a Muslim. Of her own volition, she decided to wear a cover that veils her face. As a way to maintain her kinship relations that had chilled as a consequence of her conversion, she "kept her family involved in the lives of her children." She found it difficult to educate her parents about her religion, but soon realized that they were more comfortable learning about Islam from their grandchildren. The bride's mother currently has a day-care center in her home and has home-schooled her six children.
Who is the Groom's Mother?
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The Groom's Family. From left to right: Groom's twin sister, groom's mother, the bride, the groom, groom's father (7/20/02). |
The groom's mother supported the Muslim community personally and professionally. Because their son converted to Islam at such a young age, she and her husband became involved with the communities responsible for his religious education. They developed friendships with many Muslims, interacted with Ben's Muslim friends and their families, and attended religious classes and fundraisers where they met people from several Muslim communities.
She currently works with a non-profit organization that designs and facilitates dialogue on controversial issues. Given her son's interest in interfaith activities, she began to arrange Muslim-non-Muslim dialogues to increase greater understanding. For example, she arranged a dialogue between members of an urban mosque and a suburban Jewish temple. She also facilitated numerous dialogues at her church.
MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
The essential requirement of an Islamic marriage is that an offer, or proposal, by one contracting party is accepted by another at the same meeting before two male witnesses (or one male and one female). This occasion is termed the nekaah. At the nekaah, there are readings from the Qur'an (the Muslim Holy book) or the Hadith (sayings of the Prophet of Islam) that vary widely from culture to culture and a short sermon is given. The wedding contract contains the agreed-upon marriage gift. The marriage is celebrated by a public announcement called a walima (or wedding feast).
Marriage Gift
The marriage gift is part of the contract. The nature of the gift varies from culture to culture. The purpose of the marriage gift is to give the woman rights of ownership. The groom may offer whatever he can afford at the time of the wedding or he can give a greater gift in the future (Khouj 1987, p.15).
Witnesses
In the Islamic tradition, there are two witnesses to a marriage, one of whom must be male (2). The reason for there being two witnesses is that no secret marriage can take place (Khouj 1987, p.16). In the event that a man denies that he was ever married to a woman, jeopardizing her children's legitimacy and inheritance rights, the two witnesses would advocate for the woman in a court of law.
Public Announcement of the Wedding (Walima)
A wedding feast, or the walima, is the announcement to the community that the couple has been married (Khouj 1987, p.20). Friends and family are invited to the celebration, as well as anyone else in the community who would like to come. The parties are gender-segregated and held in two separate rooms, referred to in this study as the women's walima and the men's walima.
INITIAL WEDDING PLAN
The Bride's Father
Acceptance of the groom's proposal bestows upon the bride's father (the wali) the authority and responsibility to meet the religious requirements of the marriage and to plan the nekaah.
Initially, the groom's family expected to invite their friends and extended family to the nekaah. However, if that was to be the case, then the bride's father wanted the bride, the two mothers, and all of the women guests hidden behind a barrier or screen. The ceremony would be conducted with only the groom, the wali, and the bride's brother, the officiator, present in view of the men guests (3).
The bride's father derived this example for the nekaah from similar ceremonies he had witnessed in his experience with elder scholars from the Indian sub-continent who follow the Hanafi school of law. He felt strongly that extended family members and friends of the opposite gender should not see the bride "on display" at the nekaah, and that the walima also should be gender-segregated.
The Groom's Mother
The groom's mother could not get comfortable with the initial vision of the nekaah. She described her own vision of a wedding:
A wedding was a time when a man and a woman who have made a commitment to each other call together all who love them and care about them to celebrate the commitment they have made. It is the role of the parents to help them find a way to do this that feels right, not just to the parents but also to the couple themselves.
The groom's mother felt strongly that the bride and groom should have a say in the planning. The bride, for example, wanted to be married outside. This would not be possible, however, if strict gender segregation of all the guests at the nekaah was imposed because it would be too difficult to prevent anyone from seeing her out in the open.
Another one of her concerns was that she be able to witness the marriage of her son and not be behind a screen. According to the bride's father, who was the "driving force of the plan," the nekaah would have to be held indoors with complete gender segregation of the extended family and friends.
The Bride
The bride relied on her father to plan the nekaah in a manner that would make her wedding "acceptable to God."
Her initial vision was of a Western or American wedding. She stressed that there was no single cultural Muslim wedding model because the Muslim community comprises "many different cultures." The bride expressed comfort with the familiar Western model. When she first told her friends that she was going to be married, they asked to be bridesmaids and flower girls. She promised her friends that they could be. One of her main concerns throughout the planning was to keep her promise. She said she "wanted her friends to feel important" on her special day and she wanted the walima to be fun. She was also adamant about wanting to be married outside.
The Groom
The groom wanted his marriage to be "accepted by God." He also saw his wedding as an opportunity for his non-Muslim family and friends to learn something about Islam and to have fun at the walima.
Initially, he planned for his extended family and friends to be at the nekaah. He said, "We wanted people to experience the actual moment when we went from being single to married people." But the groom was caught between his future father-in-law, a self-described "ultra-conservative Muslim," and his own particular views on how to conduct the nekaah. The groom stressed that, "it was the method under dispute, not the validity of the marriage. I wanted my family to see me get married, but I did not want to draw the ire of my future father-in-law by disagreeing with him."
The Bride's Mother
In the initial plan for the nekaah, the bride's mother maintained that if the cross-gender family members could not see the bride or the groom, they would have no reason to come to the wedding. The bride's mother wanted to support the bride and groom in their choices, unite the two families in an amicable way, and leave the non-Muslim family and friends with a good impression about Islam. She emphasized that having non-Muslim families on both the groom and the bride's side was a unifying factor for the two families. The mother of the bride was mostly involved in planning the walima with her daughter.
The Groom's Father
Initially, the groom's father did not have any personal expectations of shaping the wedding plans but wanted to fulfill his responsibilities. He felt strongly that he did not want there to be any bad feelings between the families. He described the father of the bride as having "an unwavering belief." The challenge was to find a way to address everyone's concerns in a respectful manner.
FINAL WEDDING PLAN
After one year of meetings and negotiations, the wedding planners had devised a totally different plan than the one they started out with. They agreed that no extended family or friends would attend the nekaah. This meant that no barrier segregating men from women would be necessary The bride, groom, and the immediate family members would attend the private nekaah in the back yard of the groom's home, followed by a reception at a restaurant for just the extended family (no friends). Friends and family would attend the community-wide, gender-segregated walima on the next day.
It was reported to me that this solution was conceived at the moment when an impasse had settled heavily upon the whole group. Drawing on her experience in conflict resolution, the groom's mother decided that the best way to "break through the strong differences of opinion without being disrespectful or divisive was to be more assertive about getting my concerns addressed, and so I laid them on the table for the whole group."
She explained that she had not set forth her concerns earlier for several reasons. First, she wanted to be respectful of everyone's religious beliefs. Second, she did not want to engender bad feelings between the two families. Third, she did not want to have to go into lengthy explanations to all their non-Muslim extended family why the bride could not be present at her own wedding. She worried that if so much attention were placed on "stereotype damage control," it would detract from the joyousness of the marriage.
BEN and AMINAH'S WEDDING
The Nekaah (Part One)
The nekaah was held in the back yard of the groom's home with only the immediate family present. The bride was covered almost completely, with only her face showing. She wore a white wedding gown and matching veil. The groom wore a tuxedo. The groom felt strongly that "expressions of culture [i.e. his tuxedo] don't change religious convictions or practices. "
The two families sat around a table while the wali read selections from the Qur'an. The officiator of the marriage, the bride's eighteen-year-old brother, recited from memory a wedding prayer from the Hadith of the Prophet in English and Arabic. The officiator confirmed with the wali that he accepted the contract on behalf of the bride and then they signed the contract. The two witnesses were the bride's two brothers.
The groom's father stated some of his observations of the nekaah. He considered it to be an entirely "Islamic event," and beyond his comprehension because it was performed in Arabic. He described it as being very "private and simple" because the bride and groom did not share their feelings about each other or speak vows aloud. He felt the "sacredness" of the occasion by "closing his eyes" and experiencing a "deep sense of personal joy and closeness to God."
By contrast, one of the salient features of an American marriage ceremony absent from the nekaah is that the bride and groom often customize their wedding vows to reflect their values. At American weddings it is not unusual for the guests to hear the bride and groom share their thoughts about each other and outwardly display their love.
In an Islamic ceremony, there is no kissing of the bride or any other outward display of affection. The focus of the ceremony is how the bride and groom feel about God, not how they feel about each other. They don't promise each other, they promise God. The center of attention is on the bride and groom's commitment to God (tawhid) and not on their individual selves. The commitment of marriage in the nekaah is as an act of worship in Islam.
The Contract
Ben described the marriage contract as a "social contract," something that is both legal and social. Its religious dimension distinguishes it from a pre-nuptial agreement.
The bride and groom said they did not want to "over-contract." They agreed that the contract should not be loaded with conditions for each party because things might change over time. According to the groom, the danger of loading the contract with conditions is that "if one item is not fulfilled, it could nullify the marriage." The bride joked that it would be ridiculous for them to refer to the contract throughout their married life in order to hold each other accountable. Included in the contract was basic information such as names, addresses, date of birth, witnesses, the marriage gift, etc. The marriage gift was a ring that the groom purchased for the bride. After the nekaah, when the bride and groom were left alone for the first time, they exchanged rings.
As citizens of the US and members of the Islamic community, Ben and Aminah are implicitly committed to being doubly law-abiding. The "social contract" represents an agreement to obey two sets of laws: God's laws (shariah), and the set of selected secular laws of the land. It is a basic Islamic principle to obey the laws of the land, as long as they do not conflict with God's laws.
The Extended Family Dinner (Part Two)
A dinner for the extended family took place at a restaurant in the evening following the nekaah, with seventy-five family members attending. Both families agreed upon the dinner because they wanted to be sure that their non-Muslim family members, who made the effort to attend the wedding, would meet the bride, the groom and their families. It was a mixed social gathering. Family members were able to observe the bride and groom sign the state marriage certificate, signifying their formal registration of marriage in the eyes of the state.
From its description, it seems like the dinner was very similar to a wedding reception. Here are some of the telltale characteristics: The bride and groom, after arriving later than everyone else, sat at a head table with their parents. The bride was still wearing her wedding dress and her head cover, the groom his tuxedo. There was a wedding cake, although it was not tiered. The bride fed some cake to the groom and the groom reciprocated. The groom's father acted as the master of ceremonies, introducing the two families, and giving a small speech to welcome the bride's family. The bride's grandmother, a Christian, spoke briefly about her close relationship with her grandchildren and the similarities she noticed between Islam and Christianity.
To officiate the signing of the marriage license, the two families agreed to invite an Imam (religious leader) to serve as a licensed Justice of the Peace. This particular Imam was an African-American convert to Islam who had known the bride's family for many years. He also had recently met the groom and his family at an interfaith event that the groom's mother had organized for his urban mosque as part of her professional life. The Imam's sermon emphasized the "universality" of Islam and the oneness of God and provided information about the basic practices of Islam. The Imam asked the bride if she had changed her mind since the nekaah two hours earlier. She responded that she had not, and he pronounced them man and wife.
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The Islamic Center of New England in Sharon, MA (7/21/02). |
The Walima (Part Three)
The walima is two parties held in separate locations, one for the men, one for the women. The walima was the only event of the three-part wedding where friends were invited to celebrate the marriage. Since it was gender-segregated, this would imply that none of the groom's friends (Muslim or non-Muslim) ever saw the bride, none of the groom's father's friends ever saw the bride, and many of the Muslim women guests at the walima never saw the groom.
The Men's Walima
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The Men's Walima. From the tent looking back at the mosque (7/21/02). |
The men's walima was held in a large tent set up about 1000 feet from the women's walima. When asked how they liked the event, the non-Muslim friends of the groom's father replied that they enjoyed observing Muslims praying (many of them for the first time in their lives) and felt, "as if they had traveled to a foreign country." The men gave speeches, ate, prayed, and listened to Qur'anic recitations. In the speech given by the father of the groom, he stated the following: "The Muslims were gracious, well-mannered, warm and friendly to me in every community in which I was introduced through my son�and always treated me and my wife with great caring." He admitted that prior to his son's conversion, he had never talked to a Muslim before.
The groom reported that approximately 300 men attended the walima. His guest list included: 1) Non-Muslim family and friends that he grew up with; 2) College friends; 3) Friends from two suburban Islamic Centers; 4) Friends from an inner city mosque. The bride's father invited members of the three mosques he attended.
The groom's father stated that the financial arrangements for the wedding took "thirty seconds" to be agreed upon and were not a problem. They would split the cost of the walima and he would pay for the extended family dinner.
The Women's Walima
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The Women's Walima. Inside the social hall (7/21/02). |
The women's walima was held in the mosque social hall, attended by approximately 400 women and children. The social hall was divided so that half the room had tables and chairs and the other half was carpeted for prayer and left open. No congregational prayer took place because the walima was planned between prayer times. Since many of the non-Muslims friends and family members had never been inside a mosque before, a one page handout with information was provided, written by the groom and stating the following: "Men and women are celebrating separately today, the women's area (the social hall) and the surrounding outdoor area are strictly women-only, couples should make their departure plans in advance, children can go back and forth between the tent and social hall freely and carry messages for the parents. Due to the fact that some Muslims prefer not to have their pictures taken, please ask permission before snapping a photo. Shoes should not be worn on the carpeted side of the social hall because it is reserved for prayer."
There were many dresses and head covers from different countries and in different styles. I observed that even though the walima was off-limits to the men, some women still did not remove their head covers. An informal polling revealed the following reasons for keeping head covers in place: 1) Don't like to remove the cover in public just in case a man might pass by. 2) Hair was too messy from wearing the cover earlier. 3) Don't like to remove the cover in front of non-Muslim women.
When I interviewed two non-Muslim women guests over the phone after the walima, they reported having a positive experience. They said, however, that they would like to have observed an Islamic prayer, learned more about Islam, seen the bride and groom together, and met more of the other Muslim women guests.
I noted several features of the walima that I would identify as unfamiliar to Americans. For example, since it is the custom in Islam to invite everyone in the community to the bridal feast, anyone who happened to be at the mosque during Ben and Aminah's walima could expect to eat. In other words, there were many women and children at the party who were literally unknown to the wedding planners or the guests. For me, it was perplexing as a guest to be at a wedding reception that was, "open to the public." It had the effect of making me feel less connected to the bride and groom in a personal way.
A caterer served Arabic food. I inquired why Arabic food was served when no member of the wedding party was an Arab? Taking into account the diversity of the group expected at the walima, the bride's mother explained, "We had considered American food to be too bland and Indian food to be too spicy. Arabic food was something in-between." Speaking candidly, she added, "This caterer also had the best price."
I noticed that the bride had an ornate design painted on her hands with henna (a reddish- orange colored dye prepared from the dried ground leaves of the henna plant) in the tradition of Mehendi. Mehendi is a pre-marital custom found on the Indian sub-continent and elsewhere throughout the world. It is the art of decorating a woman's hands and feet with henna to celebrate weddings and other festive occasions (see References, Balch Institute). When the bride entered the social hall, some women made a loud, shrill sound with their tongues. Arabic music was also played and some women danced.
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The Wedding Cake. Taken in the social hall with a picture of Mecca in the background (7/21/02). |
The wedding had many characteristics that would be familiar to Americans, for example, one month before the wedding, a wedding shower was held, and the wedding included the wedding dress, tuxedo, a wedding cake and wedding rings. At the walima, after the guests had been there for some time, the bride entered the social hall accompanied by four bridesmaids all dressed alike. Four flower girls preceded her, tossing white petals on the floor. The bride was wearing a handmade dress, with pearls sewn over a gold-colored bodice. She wore no head cover. A wedding cake and presents were set on a table near the stage in the front of the room. The stage was decorated with a flowered covered hoopa, or arch, in the center.
The program began with the two mothers introducing their respective families and praising the bride. Later, the bride sat under the hoopa and listened while friends and family members took turns describing her as a child, teacher, daughter, friend, etc. Singing and reciting poems were part of the program as well, led by a mistress of ceremonies. One song was written for the occasion, with lyrics praising God and offering well wishes for the bride and groom. The groom's aunt sang a popular song, "From This Moment On," by Shania Twain, which had been requested specifically by the bride.
FUTURE STUDIES OF INTEREST
Gender Segregation
Gender segregation in Islam is considered a form of social conduct that falls within the broad range of moral teachings in Islam. According to Imam Talal Eid, Religious Director of the Islamic Center of New England and scholar of Islamic jurisprudence, the practice is indirectly associated with the life of the Prophet Muhammad. Imam Eid stated that the Prophet of Islam, "never shook hands with a woman, met women separately when instructing them, and said that the eye commits adultery." Eid said that many scholars employ qiyas or analogical reasoning (one of the sources of Islamic law) to deduce from these actions and sayings of the Prophet (Hadith) that gender segregation should be encouraged over "free mixing" of the genders because it is more conducive to a higher standard of morality consistent with the teachings of Islam. He also made reference to the Qur'anic verse which recommends talking to women behind a veil under certain circumstances (33:53).
There isn't agreement among scholars, however, as to the required degree of gender segregation. Dr. Jamal Badawi states the following (Badawi 1995, p.32):
"The near or total seclusion of women is alien to the prophetic period. Interpretative problems in justifying seclusion reflect, in part, cultural influences and circumstance in different Muslim countries. There is ample evidence in authentic hadith supporting this thesis. Women at the Prophet's time and after him participated with men in acts of worship, such as prayers and pilgrimage, in learning and teaching, in the market place, in the discussion of public issues (political life), and in the battlefield when necessary."
Perhaps future studies will focus on the various conforming and distinguishing activities that the Muslim community in America is undergoing, especially as they pertain to gender segregation and social events. After informal polling of Muslims in three Boston area communities, the most I could gather was that segregation at social events varied from mosque to mosque. I didn't learn of any nekaahs where the bride was hidden from view of the guests by a barrier. All my inquiries yielded the same description of the nekaah: wedding guests (friends and family) seated on separate sides of the same room, men on one side, women on the other, facing a stage where the bride and groom sit with the wali and wedding officiator, with everyone able to view the bride and groom as they sign the contract. Every walima, however, was described to me as two separate parties in two separate rooms.
As Muslims are determined to find ways to practice their religion within the framework of the dominant culture, future studies might examine the kinds of creative solutions that develop around other American customs that involve gender mixing, such as dating, proms, parties at work, conferences, meetings, etc. For example, in the case of Ben and Aminah's wedding, when religious practice was preferred over dominant cultural practice, the result was the creative solution of a three-part wedding.
American Islam
Another interesting study would be to compare American Islam with other expressions of Islam in the world. Cultural issues that engage Muslims in Muslim societies, for example, are often non-issues for American Muslims. In Egypt, where family law is being reformed, some groups favor conferring a heavier weight on the legal status of the marriage contract in order to augment the rights of women in court (4).
The need to strengthen women's rights arises from a system of family law that is so biased towards men that, "it reflects customary practices that are even at odds with the Qur'an." (Esposito 1982, p.75) But in American society, secular laws provide equal protection to all Americans, and Muslims are free to interpret their marriage contract in the balanced or purely Islamic spirit, unencumbered by cultural accretions.
CONCLUSION
I began this research project with an expectation that throughout the course of the planning, the wedding planners would become embroiled in conflict and be divided by differences of race, gender, religion, ethnicity, socio-economic class, education, and culture. I erred in focusing on the differences of the bride and groom's parents, rather than on their similarities, not realizing until the end of the study that they had much more in common than I had thought. I came to understand that they embraced an unorthodox lifestyle prior to the marriage of their children and that they shared an opposition to wholesale participation in the mainstream of American culture. I think in the final analysis, the wedding planners shared an "uncommon culture" and that this was a unifying social force.
For example, the bride's mother converted to Islam at nineteen, home-schooled her children, and wears a full-face veil. The bride's father makes his living as an artist, was very much involved in the cultural upheavals of the 60's, converted to Islam, and currently belongs to an unconventional group of Muslims who follow scholars from another continent. The groom's mother, like so many Catholics who were affected by the anti-establishment movement of the 60s, left the Church (eventually to become a Unitarian), joined a commune where she met and married a Jewish man, and had a wedding that her husband describes as, "Hippie Jewish." The groom's father married outside his faith, lived in a commune for years, is currently self-employed and heads a family where everyone professes a different religious faith.
Planning Ben and Aminah's wedding required the wedding planners to use skills that they have been developing for years: 1) The ability to successfully side-step life in the mainstream through practiced creative problem solving, and 2) Sophisticated conflict resolution skills that brought them to a healthy compromise.
After the wedding, the bride's father described the wedding as, "an unprecedented orchestration of cross-cultural concerns, involving the three Abrahamic religions in concentric circles, with people of different races and class distinctions."
ANECDOTAL CASE
Jordan: Spring, 2002
In this case, the groom was a young Arab-American, born and raised in America to immigrant parents. When he decided to get married, he requested that his mother inquire with her family in Jordan to "find him a bride." However, when planning his wedding, he encountered something that was not so conservative, in a place where he least expected it. The bride's family wanted to videotape the whole wedding, even the nekaah. The groom objected strongly to this, but his mother persuaded him to go along with the bride's family so that no bad feelings between the families would develop.
REFERENCES
Books
• Armstrong, Karen. 2001 [preface copyright]. The Battle for God: A History of Fundamentalism. New York: Ballantine Publishing Group.
• Badawi, Jamal. 1995. Gender Equity in Islam. Indiana: American Trust Publications.
• Coulson, Noel J. 1969. Conflicts and Tensions in Islamic Jurisprudence. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press.
• Esposito, John L. 1982. Women in Muslim Family Law. New York: Syracuse University Press.
• Khouj, Abdullah Muhammad. 1987. Handbook of Marriage in Islam. Washington D.C.: The Islamic Center.
• Yvonne Y. Haddad and Jane I. Smith, eds. 1994. Muslim Communities in North America. New York: State University of New York.
Interviews
• Groom, interview by author, Tape recording, Boxboro, Massachusetts, July 18, 2002 and August 8, 2002.
• Bride, interview by author, Tape recording, Boxboro, Massachusetts, July 16, 2002 and August 9, 2002 (unrecorded).
• Groom's Mother, interview by author, Tape recording, Lexington, Massachusetts, July 16, 2002 and Boxboro, July 25, 2002.
• Groom's Father, interview by author, Tape recording, Lexington, Massachusetts, July 18, 2002 and Boxboro, August 5, 2002.
• Bride's Mother, interview by author, Tape recording, Roxbury, Massachusetts, July 12, 2002 and Boxboro, August 7, 2002.
• Bride's Father, interview by author, Tape recording, Boxboro, Massachusetts, July 17, 2002 and September 12, 2002 (unrecorded).
• Non-Muslim guest and her daughter, interviews by author, Tape recording, Boxboro, Massachusetts, August 6, 2002.
• Imam Talib, interview by author, Tape recording, Boxboro, Massachusetts, August 8, 2002.
• Imam Eid, interview by author, Islamic Center of New England, Quincy, Massachusetts, August 2, 2002.
Sound Recording
• Badawi, Jamal. 2002. Marriage According to Islam. Zabiha Production Company. Four Cassettes.
Website
Balch Institute: http://www.hsp.org/default.aspx?id=67
GLOSSARY
Nekaah. The essential requirement of an Islamic marriage is that a proposal by one contracting party is accepted by another at the same meeting before two witnesses, at least one of whom is male. This meeting is termed the nekaah. In Islamic law, it is a civil contract legalizing intercourse and the procreation of children.
Walima. The public announcement (celebration) that a marriage has taken place.
Istikhara prayer. A special prayer for the sole purpose of seeking guidance from God
Tablighi jamat. An international evangelical group founded in Pakistan consisting of Muslims from all over the world who are committed to drawing unobservant Muslims back into the faith.
Wali. The bride's guardian, usually her father.
Hanafi School of Law. A school of law (one of four Sunni schools) founded by Abu Hanifa, a jurist of the 8th century. Hanafi law has traditionally been applied in Turkey, Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, Jordan, Egypt, the Sudan, and the Indian subcontinent.
Tawhid. A commitment to God unhampered by any other commitment and free from customs, traditions, trends, cultures, etc. It combines obedience and love of God with a sense of purpose in life (5).
Shariah. The body of Islamic sacred laws that regulates every aspect of a Muslim's life. It is derived from the Qur'an and the Sunnah, and Hadith.
Footnotes:
1 - Terminology referenced from author's thesis, 1992, entitled: "Building an Islamic Community in America," Hartford Seminary, Hartford, CT. Original source, Montgomery Watt's book, Islam and the Integration of Society, (London: Routledge and Kegan Paul Ltd., 1961, 196-199).
2 - For further discussion about the topic of "male witnesses," see John Esposito's book, Women in Muslim Family Law, 16-17. Also, there is an interesting discussion of the topic in Jamal Badawi's book, Gender Equity in Islam, 33-37 (See Reference List).
3 - For more information about the differences among jurists on the subject of the bride's legal capacity to perform her own marriage contract and the extent of the guardian's powers, etc., see, Conflicts and Tensions in Islamic Jurisprudence by Noel J. Coulson, 24-26 (see References).
4 - The nature of the debate over the marriage contract was discussed by Roger Hardy of the BBC in an interview he conducted with two Egyptian women scholars. For more information about these interviews, listen to BBC, 8 Part Radio Series: "Islam/ Faith and Power," by Roger Hardy, Part 5 (1995).
5 - Referenced in a term paper by the author entitled, "Social Analysis and Reform: Western Feminist Mindset vs. The Islamic World View," 1990, Hartford Seminary, Hartford, Ct. Original source, Nejatullah Siddiqi Muhammad, "Tawhid: The Concept and the Process," in Islamic Perspectives: Studies in Honor of Sayyid Abul A'la-Mawdudi, (Islamic Foundation, 1980, p.17).